I decided to go shower, cleanse myself, and think about my game some. I had some ideas, and a lot of good ideas. I went into the shower thinking happy.
Then I came out miserable. Something struck me, a bigger project I’ve been doing initial design for — it’s pretty much derivative fiction. Roughly a clone of Touhou Project with a different premise, different characters, and new locations, and I was lacking ideas how to make it remotely interesting. Then my mind started going further back. It started looking at every project, pointing out how it clones something else. I’m told that many popular things derive from other things, almost entirely sometimes. But I don’t want to be like that. It doesn’t feel good.
This has completely dug into my motivation for my LD game. I quite liked the premise. You’re an embodiment of chaos, heading through tunnels, and battlegrounds while a human army fights of a wave of demons. You become the villain by being an omnipotent troll, ripping apart the war, twisting it in your favor, and rewarding yourself based on your actions. I thought this was a neat idea. It has nothing to do with any of my other games.
And yet this depression trigger has completely cut into my motivation for LD. I liked my game. My premise was interesting enough, for me at least. And I thought it could be fun. I feel a bit off since I’m still playing with shaded blocks for environment, while everyone’s got their pixels in. And it seems like there’s this overwhelming push for pixels when I want nice, painted textures. But there’s nothing wrong with that, and yet it’s somehow driving me insane.
For the moment, I’m going to eat something, sit down, and talk to a friend. I’m eating sub sandwiches, homemade. I haven’t eaten all day — not because I’m feeling this way, but because I was so dedicated to my game, and I was feeling good about things. Maybe not feeling empty will make me feel better. Once I’m done, I’m going to try to get AI working, and get the battles working in my game. Maybe seeing these things work will make me feel good again.
The whole situation is strange, though. I don’t want to be the person who follows the leader, who jumps into one thing’s popularity and just rides it attempting to make a buck or two off of it. That kind of thing results in Metal of Honor: Warfighter. I want to create something new, and interesting. But I feel like I’ve failed massively.